Well, I got to thinking...
I came into 30k. I bought a hot water heater and fixed my air conditioning. Those two together came to about $2,500 and I'm completely broke. The rest went up my nose.
It sucks too because that's the real reason my dad died. He died the first fucking day we got it too. He never did shit like an idiot like that but he picked that to do it. He had COPD, diabetes, he was obese. He was sixty so in a way I guess he's lucky he made it that long. He did drugs his whole life but I guess it just put him down that day. I'm not really sure he OD'd either but that's what I'm guessing. He was making some food though and just randomly said he felt terrible and had to lay down. He didn't touch his food and died about six hours later. Not touching his food was very unlike him. I think he was having a heart attack or something. He's the type who wouldn't tell anyone. I think it was probably that and he kept doing dope to try to feel better and killed himself. The EMTs and cops that came didn't think anything weird though. They just asked about his health conditions, looked him over. They didn't even take him to the morgue or anything. They just let the funeral home come get him so no autopsy or anything. Considering that I guess it could've been natural causes on a day he happened to have a good deal of dope.
I don't know. Either way, I lost my best friend. Easily the person I was the closest to out of anyone in the world. I also squandered about $27,000 on heroin.
I also just got a quarter because I feel like shit. I did half of it. I still have the other half. I'll do it Saturday. For comparison I was snorting at least that at once 8-12 times a day. I was buying 2-3 grams a day, sometimes more.
I have about $10,000 more coming to me so I'll only be broke for a minute. I'm not going to spend it on dope. I just ended up having some stomach issues today. Took awhile to realize it wasn't withdrawal but once I did I asked my dude to give me something. He gave me a free quarter because HOLY SHIT I SPENT A FUCK TON ON DOPE IN THE LAST SIX WEEKS!!!! and I only did enough to get out of pain. I still have withdrawal. I'm testing my willpower. Might be stupid but that was a couple hours ago and I'm not touching it. I'm just not shitting my pants anymore. Which I did twice today to be completely honest.
Docs around here won't prescribe anything because we're all junkies so there really isn't a different option to get out of pain or alleviate the symptoms.
The big thing I have to work on is writing sober. Once I get that done I'll be good. Plus, I'm not like dead broke. I got money to pay the bills and get food and whatnot. It's just real tight, you know? Might as well call it dead broke because it's for the essentials.
I'm just handling this terribly. I wish I was stronger. I knew when I lost the old man it was gonna be bad but I wasn't aware it was going to be like this. I've never felt so alone in my life. I feel like I'm dead inside. I don't really know how to explain it. I'm coming around but goddamn this is awful.